Zexion's Journal
by Dark Gwyddion
Summary: Can you really kill a master illusionist? Taking on the premise that Zexion was not actually killed towards the end of CoM, this is his thoughts on events Chapter One is just through CoM. My first fanfic, so be gentle. Thanks.
1. Chain of Memories

Zexion's Journal

_A/N: Obviously, I don't own any of the characters mentioned. They belong to Disney and SquareEnix. Oh, and if you haven't played _Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, _and_ Kingdom Hearts 2_, there are spoilers ahead (this first chapter is only _CoM)_. Yeah, maybe he would not have kept a journal, but then where would the fun be, right?_

_And without further ado – onwards to the fic!_

---

We've been Nobodies for some time. Time. That's almost laughable in of itself. We have no sense of it. Has it been two weeks or two years since Xehanort took Ansem's name and led us down the path to darkness? It matters not.

Ah, but then there is the Keyblade wielder. He wandered to our castle, seeking a lost friend. I paid no further heed, until I heard of Marluxia's plan. I have to presume that XI and XII are unhappy with their ranks within the Organization – but they were among the newest in our Organization, and the least trusted. There is Roxas… but he is another matter entirely, one which would deserve its own book to delve into.

Marluxia seeks to use Sora against us. That cannot be allowed. There is another… he smells like Xemnas, and yet he is not. He is the boy the Keyblader seeks. Perhaps he can be used to stop the traitors – I have spoken with Vexen and Lexaeus on the matter, and we are in agreement. Vexen goes now to battle the child.

---

Vexen is an idiot. So eager to test his experiment that he moved too soon. Ironic that Marluxia is so willing to tow the line now, or, rather, threaten to reveal the Replica's existence to Xemnas.

Admittedly, the manikin is more against our rules than power plays – the latter happen all the time. As a prime example: Saïx. He did something (I was never sure on the details), and now works more closely with the Superior than even Xigbar or Xaldin. Actually, Xaldin has had a bit of a fall from grace, but the politics of our Organization is another matter entirely, and one I do not concern myself with, for the most part.

But with this news – Lexaeus and I move forward with our plan without him. To that end, we began to prepare. An odd thing happened at that time – Vexen's scent faded. The metallic tang I had grown used to, was gone. Just gone.

I knew what that meant. In our early days, there had been others. Saïx wasn't always VII. Shaxiw: Weapon – whip. Controlled birds and lizards. He attempted to cross Xemnas, and was destroyed. When his musky odor had faded, I had known that Xemnas had learned of his plans, and destroyed him.

But this was different. Shaxiw had been destroyed by Xemnas. Not by an outsider. Axel's burnt stench had been nearby – what had happened? His remained just as strong. Had Axel turned on us? Or was it the Keyblader, who I could detect nearby?

It matters not at the present time. Our plan is in full motion now – Lexaeus goes to meet the boy Rikku.

---

I sit alone in our empty quarters. Lexaeus is gone, defeated by Xehanort's Keyblader. As I contemplate my next move, Larxene's acrid smell fades. I stand, paying more attention to the remaining two traitors – fiery Axel and flowery Marluxia.

I wait. Like perfume on the wind, Marluxia's roses disappear. (Axel's remains. I must be wary.) But it is done. The control XI sought over Sora is no more. I need to destroy the boy Riku – he knows too much. A mistake on my part, but it was necessary then. Now that he is not needed…. I leave.


	2. KH2: Awakening

I wait in darkness now. I failed to understand how much Riku's power had grown. But I had the upper hand, until the witch Naminé interfered and aided Riku in piercing my illusions.

I was severely injured – though alive. I could not risk letting them know of my failure, not with the traitor Axel lurking. I fled into the darkness, but did not wish any pursuers. One of my clones stood in for me while I healed.

I only survived because of that decision. Axel turned on me, using Vexen's creation. I felt a dim echo of the blows, but my clone held true and "died". Not that it matters – I am dead to the Organization. If I try to return now, I will be destroyed. So I wait. Someday, I will return. When I am stronger, when I can defeat Axel. It might not be on even ground (not that it was before) – but I will find a way to defeat him.

I left my darkness only once. I went to the Proof of Existence. Why, I'm not sure. It's not like I couldn't tell that the others were still alive. Maybe it was to find solace or something. But an odd thing happened. A sort of anger came over me, and I attacked my blood-red space. Repeatedly. When I stopped to take a breath, the picture of my weapon, my symbol, had been obliterated. My name, "VI. Zexion, the Cloaked Deciever", taunted me. Still readable. "VI. Zexion." I prepared to destroy it as well, but I was interrupted by someone's approach – Luxord's smoky aroma, I believe – and fled. I had to. I cannot have anyone know that I am still alive. As long as I am believed dead, they have no reason to search the darkness for me. And I am happy that way.

Perhaps I spend too much time here, alone. I've started to question many things. Can we, who have no hearts, still feel? That some emotions are strong enough to transcend our state? Love, euphoria, anger, hatred – the latter two I have thought I have felt since my untimely "death". But did I actually feel them? Or was it merely my subconscious trying to reconcile my thoughts and actions with reality – even if I am no longer human, my actions should still follow some logical course from humanity?

This segues into other trains of thought. Does the heartless of Ienzo still exist? I can't say that I would want it back, to return to my cast-off life even if it were possible. But I must wonder when other, similar thought-paths have been trod. I wonder what it looked like. Perhaps it is just my pride to believe that I warranted more than just a simple shadow, but I dare not hope for something like Xehanort's Heartless.

….The Keyblader awakens. His scent – the little there is of it – grows stronger. It is a clean, fresh scent, very similar to our XIII, whom I knew only briefly. From here, my hiding place in the darkness, I will wait out the coming storm. Something lurks on the horizon.

_The black hooded figures gathered on the rooftop. Xemnas spoke "The Keyblade - such a marvelous weapon. If only it were in more… capable hands._" _The remaining members of the Organization (sans Axel) laugh. Goofy, Donald and Sora spin about. _

"_Organization XIII!" Goofy exclaims_

"_Good! Now we can settle this!" Sora replies, narrowing his eyes at the cloaked figures_

"_What a shame…. And here I thought we could be friends…" Xemnas and the others laugh once more, disappearing once more._


	3. KH2: Siren's Dirge

_Demyx appeared in the Olympus Coliseum. Nabbing the Olympus Stone, he entered the Underworld to speak with Hades. As he nears his destination, he hears Sora and company approach._

"_Roxas…?" he says, amazed. Sora blinks in confusion. "Oh, it's no use. Let's see here… 'If the subject fails to respond, use aggression to liberate his true disposition'. Right. Did they ever pick the wrong guy for this one…"_

_After a short scuffle, Demyx leaves via a portal through the darkness_.

Demyx has met the Keyblader. What his intentions are, I do not know – but a fool's errand most likely. He lasted longer than I would have expected. After all, we are very similar when it comes to fighting – we don't.

I doubt his luck will hold. Xemnas has developed a fascination with Sora, most likely related to the missing Roxas. It is odd that a Nobody and a Somebody can exist at the same time of the same person. Perhaps Roxas's disappearance relates to the fact that they both cannot exist. And yet Kairi and Naminé both exist without problems. Does the Keyblade destabilize the relationship? The lack of Heartless still extant from either? I don't know.

I leave my darkness at times to eavesdrop on my former comrades. I want to know what they plan – and what they know. I am well aware that I could return, as it seems Axel has fallen from grace and gone missing. And yet, I remain apart. I do not wish to become part of this, not until it is over.

I have my reasons. Before entering the darkness, I was part of the group of apprentices which experimented with the Heartless. It was I who encouraged our former master Ansem to take the first steps, including the construction of the underground lab. Now… well, I would hardly call this an experiment. Observation would be more accurate. And with any observation, one cannot be involved. Distance allows for more vision, and a hopeful lessening of bias.

"_Dance, water, dance!" Demyx cried desperately. He had appeared in Hollow Bastion at the castle gate and had been surprised to meet Sora. Now he fought for his life against the Keyblade Master. But his powers were not enough. IX collapsed to the ground, his sitar vanishing. Demyx screamed as he disappeared into nothingness._

It fades. The damp, salty scent I associated with Demyx is gone. I don't know who he was as a Somebody, just who he was as a Nobody. Of the younger members, I suppose I liked him the most – he did nothing to provoke me (technically, I suppose Roxas is the same, but I pass no judgments on the one I hardly knew).

Demyx was a tragedy. I often came upon him in the Hall of Empty Melodies, playing his sitar. He told me that he was trying to write a new song – but couldn't. He claimed that even his songs which he had written before weren't the same. He could play every note exactly as he had before, but something was missing. I thought it sounded fine; then again, I am not a musician. Reflecting back now, I think I know what was missing: passion. Fire. Emotion. Heart.

Is a Heart so critical to a creative pursuit? Did his heartless Nobody status interfere with what had been his fascination? Does it even now interfere with mine, even if my interest is not so creative?

It seems that my questions only grow as I try to find answers.


	4. KH2: Light as the Breeze

Before joining the Organization, I studied the Heartless. How they were created, why they did what they did. I know more about the Nobodies, being one myself. And yet, there are still many things I do not understand. If we really feel nothing, why do we cling so to life, such as it is? Goals come from desires – a property of the heart. Yet we have them. Perhaps these events surrounding the Keyblader and his friends can shed light upon this quandary.

_Xaldin held the rose aloft, watching the quartet below him. "You had me worried. I was afraid that you had given up for good."_

"_What do you want?!" Sora demanded from the ground below._

"…_.Kingdom Hearts." Xaldin lowered his hood. "When Kingdom Hearts is ours, we can exist fully and completely."_

Xaldin has met Sora. That had not been his original intent – he sought the beastly prince. (Personally, I believe that such a task would be better suited for Saïx than Xaldin, but this can only show how far the Lancer has fallen).

If such a heart were to fall to darkness, the Nobody would be a good addition to our ranks. He had been able to cross the darkness after his world fell, determined to rescue his Princess of the Heart. Imagine the strength of his Nobody should such a heart give in.

_Xaldin let out a small cry of surprise as the girl elbowed him and snatched the glass-encased rose. Furious, he called up a dust storm to summon his lances. A vicious battle followed, with Sora finally emerging victorious over the Nobody._

_The Lancer howled as the wind swept around him and he vanished._

For reasons I do not fully comprehend, I have taken to spending much of my time at the Proof of Existence. Perhaps it is my desperate plea seeking some sort of remembrance – that I did matter. That I exist.

I was there when Xaldin's breezy scent faded. It seems that the Keyblader had ended his mission prematurely – and tragically for the Organization. I looked over towards his blue plaque, curious as to what would happen now. It turned red slowly, like blood dripping onto it.

These "bloody" plaques now outnumber the blue ones. I wonder, how many more of the Organization will fall before they realize the strength of the Keyblade Master, or does Xemnas have another goal in mind? Even then, can he convince the Keyblader to accept his role?

I can't really say that I'm upset by Xaldin's loss, other than perhaps out of some sort of loyalty. Like Lexaeus and Vexen, Xaldin had been one of us; those who had served under Ansem, and had followed Xehanort into the darkness.

Xemnas, what do you seek that's worth this sacrifice? I know the Keyblade and its wielder are powerful – but is control of it worth the destruction of the Organization? And Roxas… what part do you play in all of this? Again, in my quest for answers, it seems my questions only grow.


	5. KH2: Crescendo

I have learned Xemnas's goal. Kingdom Hearts. I think he must be insane. We studied the heart as apprentices, and got nowhere. Oh, we knew of its existence – but not much more than that. We did not know what powers it holds or what effect it had on anything (except the Heartless. They were drawn to it, but then, they were drawn to all hearts.) Can we, as Nobodies, ever really understand it? When Sora destroys a Heartless, the released heart goes to Kingdom Hearts.

Kingdom Hearts. That which lives at the centre of the worlds. From it, comes all life – and when it goes, so do they. Unlike "Ansem", I do not believe the heart to exist naturally in darkness. If it were, why would the darkness have to tempt, to sway others to its side? Why is there such a change when the heart does go to darkness? A heart lives in the dawn, in the twilight – neither light nor darkness. But such a precarious balance cannot last – not with human weakness. Such is the tale of any heartless Nobody.

_Jack Sparrow and his crewmates – including Sora – watched Luxord suspiciously. Had he really just given up the chest? "And for that you want…?" Jack queried suspicious._

"_Just a few souvenirs. For the memories." Luxord laughed as he snatched four medallions and tossed them into the air._

So thus were Xigbar, Xaldin, and Luxord sent out. Their missions seemed to be to create more Heartless/Nobodies. Xaldin engaged the Keybearer, while the other two avoided confrontation. For now. I fear that before this all ends, they will fall to Sora. And yet, they must go out – the Heartless are needed to strengthen Xemnas's plans. The Nobodies will strengthen the Organization's ranks.

I am no longer a part of that, though I still wear the cloak. I am one of the few Nobodies powerful enough to have retained my form and memories when I crossed who remains separate – though I suppose I am different, being as I was once a member of it. Had I a heart, I might seek to rejoin, out of loyalty or camaraderie. But I don't feel either; thus I remain apart. Besides, it was this loyalty that originally got me "killed".

_Auron raced towards Hercules, large sword held high. He swung it about easily; ready to bring it down upon the demi-god. Hercules caught it, straining against the other. He hoped Sora would hurry to retrieve Auron's will. Before one of them got hurt._

The Proof of Existence. I've dwelt on its purpose for some time. It is a graveyard. Monuments to what we are – living memories. We are not humans, just memories that live on, seeking justification. And yet – it is to our current forms that they are dedicated. My own reads Zexion, not Ienzo. Perhaps it is because we believe we've gone beyond our humanity. Ienzo ceased to exist when I accepted the darkness. I am Zexion now, though I still carry the memories of Ienzo – but Ienzo did not know or understand that which I do now. So perhaps "Zexion" is the more fitting name on my tombstone. A monument to a Nobody who wanted to be a Somebody once more. Ironic, in a way – we couldn't wait to cross, and now we seek to return, in a sense. If I understand Xemnas's goal with Kingdom Hearts correctly, or, rather, what he's told the others. I have my doubts on his true motives.

_Jack took Sally by the hand and they began to dance. The lanky skeleton felt… happy. Was this the true meaning of Christmas – outside of all of its trappings?_

"_Maybe I never gave her a real present after all…." Sora mused as he watched the haunted couple. His thoughts flitted to Kairi, and how much he missed her_.

I met Kairi today. How she ended up in the castle dungeon, I do not know – other than Saïx was the one who brought her here. Like Sora and Roxas, she and Naminé have very similar scents. I wanted to see her. She and the Keyblader are similar… and I want to understand.

I don't think she knew what to make of me. I had my hood drawn up, not wishing to reveal my identity (for all that it would matter) to her. She screamed at me, cried, begged to be let go. I… just watched. I wouldn't exactly call her desperate – perhaps a milder form of that emotion, in a sense. But she was not afraid of me. No, there was something else she worried about.

Finally, I asked her why. Three simple letters, one word – I wanted to know why she had left everything, risked it all, not even sure that those she sought still lived. She was silent for a moment, giving me an incredulous and confused look. I remember what she told me next.

"Why. There was never a question for me. Riku and Sora are my best friends. When our home was taken by the darkness – they searched for me. They did everything they could to rescue me. How can I not try to return that? How can I just sit at home, waiting and hoping for their safe return? I had to follow Axel through that portal, even without knowing where it led.

"You can't understand what that's like. None of you can. I care for Sora so much that I want to spend all that I have with him. Life has less meaning without him." Her glare had melted into an almost pitying look. I fled – and only partly because I scented Saïx's approach.

_Lion Sora, Hornbill Donald, Turtle Goofy and Simba met with Rafiki. They wanted to know about Scar's ghost. "Oh yes, the ghost... A being with no body. It is created when the evil heart of Scar meets the hesitating heart of Simba." The baboon's words were serious, though he spoke them in almost a playful tone._

She pitied me. No. Why should she? I have gained so much power, at such a small cost. I know my heart was a weak thing - this is the path it led me down. Or did it… Had I become so enamoured of the darkness, that I stopped hearing it? I refuse to accept that. Hearts are weak. They cause one to charge into dark portals without a second thought.

And yet… the way she looked at me. The determination I could see in her eyes. As I contemplated, I suddenly knew what her fear had been – that she'd never see Sora again.

Is that the strength of the heart? To be able to face the unknown because you have something you believe in? Did she pity me, because I can not feel that? Yes, I have my self-preservation instincts. But there is nothing that would cause me to risk my life. I had thought I would defeat Riku – and Axel's betrayal was unexpected. Could it be that the heart is not as much of a weakness as we had presumed? Even if it leads to death, could that death have more meaning than the one that we face now – living half-lives, as it were, until we face our final ends? I believe them to be coming, with the current courses taken by the Organization and the Keyblader.

_Sora, Donald, Goofy, Mickey, Pence, Olette, and Hayner enter the mansion on the outskirts of Twilight Town. Through here, they were hoping to find a passage to an alternate Twilight Town, one that might lead to where Riku and Kairi were (along with the remainder of Organization XIII). _

**----**

_A/N I vaguely based this upon how I went through the game. At that point, I did both halves of Halloween Town and Pridelands storylines at the same time, one after another. Thus it was a really, really long time between Xaldin's defeat and Axel's death, with virtually no sign of our Nobodies. Xiggy's appearance hardly counts, and while Lux is in Port Royal 2, you don't fight him._


	6. KH2: Ring of Fire

_To those awaiting this chapter, I do apologize for the delay. Aside from the writer's block of doom, I also had a family emergency that required my attention. Now that the latter has been attended to, I have returned to this belated chapter._

_And again, I own nothing. I wouldn't mind owning these guys, but they belong to Square-Enix and Disney._

---

_Sora glared at the growing mass of Dusk Nobodies surrounding him._

"_Don't stop moving or the darkness will overtake you!" Axel appeared at Sora's side… …After a few moments of fighting, the pair ended up nearly back-to-back, surrounded by the army of Dusks and Assassins. "I think I liked it better when they were on my side."_

"_Feeling a little…regret?" Sora asked, almost smugly._

"_Nah. I can handle these punks. Watch this!" Axel gathered his power, releasing it in a torrent of flames around him, destroying all of the Nobodies. He immediately collapsed to the ground as his attack finished, fading._

_Sora ran to his side, demanding to know what had happened. After a brief explanation, Axel opened a portal. "…I wanted to see Roxas. …He made me…feel like I had a heart… It's funny… but you made me feel …the same. Now go!" With his final words, the Flurry of Dancing Flames ceased to exist._

I can't really say how I felt about Axel's demise, my lack of a heart aside. There was a small amount of satisfaction that my betrayer had met his end; and some disappointment I had not been able to be the cause of it. Yet overall, I felt… nothing. Not even a pale shadow of emotion. I knew that he had used a great amount of power just prior to his fall – I can only presume he met Sora.

It was only later, as I reflected upon it, there was something off. Xaldin and Demyx had used most of the dark powers they commanded, but not like Axel had. I lurked amidst the shadows, eavesdropping as the remaining members of the Organization remarked upon Axel. He had sacrificed himself to allow Sora to gain access to our World. …Why?

A year ago Axel had been working to rid the Organization of all traitors, which cumulated with my "elimination". Then he showed himself to be as ruthless and devious as any of us. Xemnas sent him after Roxas, and instead he ended up choosing to aid Roxas's Somebody. The others believe it was his final confusion tactic.

I don't think so. If was supposed to be just a diversion, there are other ways that don't require one to end one's own existence. Axel knew something; he had gained some understanding, some insight relating to Sora and Roxas.

Something to do with the heart. What else could it have been? In some way, all of us want our hearts back. I've noticed it more in the younger members – Saïx, Axel, Demyx – all having moments where they seemed to express desire to return to what they once were. In truth, I cannot say that I am exempt from this yearning. Perhaps it is only in loss that we have realized the meaning of the heart.

…These events are creating more questions than answers. Questions for Sora, the Keyblade's chosen. For Xemnas, the leader of this Organization. And… for Ansem, our former Master.

Yes. Ansem the Wise. I cannot say that I agree with him and his wish to halt and destroy our research. We sought answers to the presence of darkness in hearts, and through that find a way to understand the heart. I know now that the mysteries of the heart are deeper than any can hope to understand – I have gleaned that much from my observations of Nobodies and Heartless. Even we, can feel the faintest flickers of emotions, though these may just be memories recreated at appropriate times. But we are not automatons.

With this train of thought, I return my attention towards Axel. Was he really seeking to eliminate traitors a year ago? Or did Xemnas have another goal in mind, wherein we were all pawns? Did he set up Marluxia, not to weed out so-called traitors, but weaker members, those more likely to question his plans? I never believed that I was a traitor – I did as I believed was necessary to stop Marluxia's plot. But now I see that I would not have lasted as the Organization is now. Those who are left do not question, just act upon his orders. I never could do that.

I shed the black cloak. I had been cast out by the Organization, but I had lurked, seeking to return at some point. Now, I leave that behind. But I will not leave these dark corridors of Castle Oblivion until my questions are answered.


	7. KH2: Defying Gravity

_Two samurai Nobodies sprang up from nowhere, halting Donald and Goofy's progress, cutting Sora off. As the Keyblade bearer goes to his friends' aid, he vanishes, leaving the pair to fight off a bunch of Nobodies._

_Sora and a black-cloaked figure fight in another place. After regaining his Keyblade, Sora attempts to strike him down. The hood falls back, revealing Roxas. He gives Sora an odd smile as he vanishes, commenting simply "You make a good other."_

_Sora repeats these words as he returns to Memory's Skyscrape in the World That Never Was_.

Roxas's scent has changed once more. I hardly pay attention to it most times. I would've liked it had a chance to study the boy Nobody. He was very different from the rest of us. He lacked the memories of his Somebody, whereas I still remember who I was before. A study on him could have revealed just what the connection between a Nobody and a Heartless is, other than creation. Not that it matters now.

I must talk with Xigbar before it is too late. Before he can be sacrificed. I can't call it loyalty exactly; maybe clinging to a known past rather than on an unknown future. I am well aware than did he is as different from Braig as I am from Ienzo. In spite of everything, however, I am hoping that he will listen to me.

_Xigbar's guns fell from his grasp. He dropped to one knee, defeated. "I lost? Me?"_

"_Why did you call me Roxas??" Sora demanded, glaring at the Nobody._

"_Wouldn't you like to know?" Xigbar smirked up at the boy as he faded away._

I watched him fall. There are many outcroppings that overlook the Hall of Empty Melodies. I won't say I cowered, but I will admit I did nothing to draw attention to myself.

He went out with the same smirk I recognized; a self-satisfied one of having more knowledge than those around him. He left Sora with more questions than answers, as he did me.

For several moments after Xigbar had faded, I stood there. How keenly the lack of a heart can be felt when you know you ought to feel something. Yet, I felt nothing. It would be a misnomer to call us close in any way, but we had a connection. We had entered the darkness at the same time, spurred on by Xehanort.

Xehanort. Everything changed when he arrived. I don't know what the others researched. Even my project has almost been forgotten with all that has happened.

But now is not a time for reminiscing. Time grows short. If I truly seek answers, then I must move now. Xigbar did provide me with some insight, but it is not enough.


	8. KH2: Timing the Moon's Heartbeat

Note to self: I wrote this next entry after all the events. I used a recorder to keep my thoughts and the conversations. I have since transcribed much of what was on those recordings before they could be lost.

_As Sora and friends turned to leave, Luxord called up giant cards to whisk away all but Sora. He snaps, both to send away the cards and to catch the Keyblade wielder's attention._

"_You!" Sora snarled._

"_I'd rather we just skip the formalities. The first to run out of time is the loser," the gambler replied calmly._

It took me a short amount of time to track down my old mentor. Perhaps he sensed my approach for he sent his companion, King Mickey, off.

"Master Ansem." Though I used his title, I spoke as if we were equals.

"Ienzo." He used my Somebody's name. "I am surprised to see you still have your non-existence. My findings have said you were destroyed."

I ignored his sentiments. "Your device won't work."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because of my research on heart. Here, in the darkness."

"Your research… Ah, what a fool I was for ever starting you down this path."

"It was not a mistake. We sought to understand the heart. Was there something wrong with that goal? Darkness of the heart is easier to find and study."

You poor child. How little we both know. I'm an old man, but I have condemned a boy to suffer in your non-existence, Ienzo. I cannot fully say you do not deserve it for what you have done, but I must wonder how much of it was done in your ignorance." His tone was an odd mix of pity and vengeance.

Once more I ignored his rambling. "I do know that your device won't work."

_Saïx stumbled back. "A heart… if I had a heart." The Nobody turned towards the window, his claymore crashing to the ground. "Why… Kingdom Hearts… Where is my heart?" He stretched a hand up towards the moon, fading into darkness._

Ansem laughed. "Perhaps you are right, my young apprentice. That does not change things. But then again, perhaps you are mistaken."

While we had been speaking, my former master had kept his device running. The King returned at that point and he moved forward to place himself between Ansem and myself.

"Stand down, old friend. I told you I no longer seek revenge. I realize now that they have a fate worse than anything on I can do. To live without a heart, half a being. A life of non-existence. I cannot say I forgive any of them, but I can say now that I pity them."

"Sir…" I began, but the approach of Sora and the others cut me off. Rather than leave – my answers were so close - I cloaked myself with what little illusion power I had left. I watched and listened as the device began to fail, as Mickey and Sora sought to stop him but Riku held them back, and as Xemnas confronted our old master.

I will not transcribe what was said here. But Xemnas's words… I understood. I understood why were all sacrificed. But understanding does not bring agreement. There were more secrets to be had, I am sure. Whatever they were, however, I would not find them – nor did I really feel the need. I had enough knowledge in regards to this chain of events.

Xemnas left prior to the device's explosion. Had I been smarter or wiser, I would have left as well. But I remained.

There was a blinding flash, and for one brief moment, one single glorious moment, I have a heart. I was whole. Then the fleeting sensation vanished, leaving me feeling even emptier than before. I managed to stumble back to the Proof of Existence before the heroes of the light could notice me and feel the need to destroy its another creature of the dark.

The emotional rush was a short lived high. I had felt grief over the loss of the others, among many other things I cannot describe; reactions to everything since I stepped through that door and lost my heart. I will never be able to determine all I felt during those precious seconds, but it left a deeper ache and longing than I would have expected.

I looked over our bloody memorial. All red – Saïx and Luxord had fallen while I spoke with my former master - save Roxas's. Of course, he was different from the rest of us. It is no surprise he will outlast the Organization.

I will go to the Altar of Naught, yet not to confront Xemnas, as there is nothing to be said and I believe it likely that he would seek my destruction. Perhaps it is some residue of the emotions I experienced, but I wished to see his end. His fall.


	9. KH2: Eternity's Mortality

I arrived behind Sora's group. The corridors of darkness are choked with Shadows and Dusks. There is no question that the final showdown approaches.

_Xemnas faced the group, K__eyblades appearing in the hands of Riku, Sora, and Mickey. He studied them for a long moment, before beginning his questioning. "Denizens of the light, answer me this: Why do you hate the darkness?"_

_To which the mouse-king replied, "Aw, we don't hate it. It's just kinda… scary. But the world's made of light AND darkness – you can't have one without the other. Sorta makes you wonder why we are scared of the dark."_

"_It's because of what's lurking in the darkness," the silver-haired keyblader added._

Ah, yes. The fear of the unknown darkness. I can faintly recall the fear I felt as I stood before the door, gazing into the depths of it. Of course, by then, it was already too late. I was already called to the dark, and my hesitation was merely prolonging the inevitable.

_Xemnas seemed to reflect briefly on this answer. "Then allow me another question. You accept darkness, yet choose to live in the light. So why is it that you loathe us who teeter on the edge of nothing? We who were turned away by both light and dark – never given a choice?"_

"_That's simple. It's because you mess up our worlds," Riku instantly retorted._

Did we? I suppose we had. Radiant Garden's descent into darkness could be laid squarely at our feet. But other worlds? Outsiders cannot open a world's door – that must be done by one of the denizens who lives there, opening himself to the blackness in his heart. I recall standing on a castle's battlement in Urland as it fell into darkness, after Tyrian had opened the door. (As a side note, he was not strong enough to become higher than a Dusk in our order.)

As for the choice – we chose darkness. We are still of it, having merely managed to maintain our wills and thoughts to retain our forms.

"_That may be…" Xemnas continued. "However, what other choice might we have had?"_

"_Just give it a rest!" Sora snapped. "You're Nobodies! You don't even exist! You're not sad about anything!"_

He was correct about the sadness. I feel nothing for condemning so many to death in the darkness. It had been in the name of research and science. Though I do have a few regrets – but I believe those to be the result of my subconscious mind trying to fill the void of a heart.

"_Very good. You don't miss a thing." Xemnas laughed as he spoke the words._

They disappeared, Sora and Xemnas. In that battle of wills the Keyblader won. Xemnas then invoked the power of Kingdom Hearts. I was surprised - I had not thought of the great heart in that light. The idea of a heart as a power source… As I mused on this, the heart swallowed the leader of the Organization and a great white door materialized. The heroes of the light approached and entered without hesitation. I chose not to follow. Call me a coward if you want, but I had no desire to enter Xemnas's nightmarish realm. As it turned out, I would have had a chance to - something beyond the door rejected the Princess and the mouse remained behind with her. I perched on one of the edges, maintaining my illusory cloak. I believe that they sensed my presence, that my powers are not as strong as they once were. The mouse often looked in my direction as if trying to see me. I know he could not, not fully at any rate, as he said nothing to Kairi. He seemed more concerned with what was happening beyond the door – I suppose since I did nothing to threaten them, I was not particularly sought out.

They paced, I pondered. The heart… the power of the heart. That is how Riku survived his time in the darkness. How Sora was able to gain his form despite his lost heart.

And now Xemnas hid in a giant one. Though, it had looked sickly, infected after Ansem created a hole in it. Had that affected what it could do?

Even if I live all of eternity, I do not believe I will ever unravel the mystery of Kingdom Hearts. Yet I will continue my research on the heart, because I want to understand why do I feel its loss? Why is a heart so important that a lack of one has reduced me to a so-called nonexistent half-being?

I was brought out of my thoughts by their return. The four who had disappeared inside related to some degree what they faced. A defeated Xemnas also appeared, and, with some apparently final words, disappeared. They relaxed, celebrating his defeat and their ultimate victory. I know he still lived. How could they not tell? Didn't they see that he did not fall in wisps of black smoke like the rest? But I was not protecting him when I did not point out the error of their victory. I did not believe it would end well for me. I merely sought to leave this empty precipice – Xemnas may not have died, but he had been defeated.

Without thinking about it, I opened a portal. I felt my veil weakening - if any of them bothered to look they would have seen me. I noted Naminé as I approached. She gave me an odd smile as I passed. Before I could close it behind me, she called her Somebody's attention to it. I fled before they entered. I may have no heart by still cling to my (non)existence.


	10. Epilogue: On the Banks of the Rubicon

It has been a year since the fall of the Organization. After I left the World That Never Was, I returned home to Radient Garden. I'm not really sure it qualifies as home – I felt no real attachment to it, other than familiarity, which is enough for my subconscious to create a desire to stay here.

I isolated myself in the castle's library. As these upper levels are still infested with Heartless, none from the town the venture this high. I've observed the Heartless in this world. While the town only has a few types, outside my room almost all types into congregate. Perhaps some of this variety relates to the research we conducted here. The mystery here comes from the fact that they choose to be up here, not down in our basement laboratory.

Another part is may be the presence of Maleficent, the self-styled leader of the Heartless and my own presence. I'm still unsure of the relation between Heartless and Nobodies. While the two are created at the same time, we act very differently. It could be put down to our very natures – a Heartless only lives to seek out more hearts, while we Nobodies are allowed to stop and understand the world around us. I know is that the two never appear together, but as of yet, I am the only Nobody in the castle. I would have believed that my presence would have diminished the shadowy swarms, but instead it has caused them to diversify. I also expected to see Dusks and Creepers appearing here now, but they have not. Could our work in the basement serve as a beacon to the shadows and a repellent to low-ranking Nobodies?

Maleficent paid me a visit at one point. She was not happy to see me - she knew what I was, though not whom. All I wanted was to be left alone, however. It took some convincing for her to believe that, however we were able to create a sort of agreement - the library would be my territory and the rest of the castle was hers, or as much as the heroes of the town would let her. I didn't care all that much; the library was a comfortable enough place for me. Perhaps I should have said something more as the castle had once been my home. But despite the bit of familiarity I carried about the place, it was not enough to be called attachment, nor enough for me to argue over. After all, I spend time on other worlds, observing the movements of the Heartless hordes there – and the library contains what remains of our notes.

I venture into town from time to time. My lack of a heart has not gotten rid of most of the basic necessities of life; of those, the only thing I do not seek is companionship. There is a different sort of energy about the village now – somewhere between hopelessly entrenched and convinced that tomorrow will be better. Occasionally I see those whom appear to recognize my Somebody, but then they decide that I cannot be. And I choose to allow that illusion to stand.

One of the few illusions I have left in my power. Since Riku broke through two years ago, I struggle to create even the most basic illusions. Perhaps it was a mistake to use my skills a year ago to eavesdrop upon my former cohorts. Perhaps it was that brief flash of euphoria. Not that it matters – what's done is done. The powers of the Cloaked Schemer are gone.

Thus, I am left with nothing. Ienzo's memories are but half-remembered dreams. VI's abilities were fleeting as his illusions.

Now is a time to start a new chapter. I will continue to study the Heartless and the Nobodies as I had set out to do over two years ago, though I am alone now. I have no doubt that the heroes of the light will seek my destruction should we meet. I will neither seek them out nor will I flee them when they show. I cannot hide from them forever nor can I defeat them, lacking anything that could truly be even called a challenge.


End file.
